Your divorced parents
Celia Farber
You knew when you got engaged that you’d be taking on the roles of party planner, wardrobe queen, family celeb, and sometimes even - yikes! - referee. What’s with that last one? It’s a role that often crops up when you have dueling, divorced parents. Given about half of all marriages in America since the early 1970’s have ended in divorce, it’s likely that you and/or your honey have parents who want to walk you down the aisle - but not together.
With the stress of planning a wedding, many couples—as well as parents—seek professional help to survive. "We’ve counseled many couples in this situation, and many parents," says Dr. Mel Krantzler, who together with his wife Pat, runs the Creative Divorce, Love & Marriage Counseling Center in San Rafael, California. "One man called me sobbing. His ex-wife who planned their daughter’s wedding placed him in the very back of the church, and herself in the front row. He was devastated."
So what’s a bride to do? Be prepared. No one can predict what, if anything, can set off an explosion on or leading up to your wedding day. But when bickering, divorced parents are involved, you may feel you’re walking through a field of mines. Below are the potential minefields to avoid as you step carefully on the path to your big day:
MINEFIELD #1: UNADDRESSED FEELINGS
Hot tip: Talk out feelings now. “We’ve counseled people who are getting married to take a very pro-active role,” says Pat Krantzler. “Everybody’s feelings have to be acknowledged and respected beforehand. Then plan accordingly, respecting each person’s wishes as best you can. The worst thing you can do is try to ignore simmering problems.” “Parents must let go of the vengeance,” says Mel Krantzler. “Even if they’re long divorced, children are forever, and they must focus on doing right by their children.” “It’s the parent’s responsibility to rise to the occasion,” concurs Karen Shatz, a psychotherapist and couple’s counselor in New York City. “But children should also be accepting of parent’s idiosyncrasies. It’s important that every person’s viewpoint be examined.” One bride’s experience: Miriam Fogel, 26, of Hempstead, New York says, “I wish I had spent more time talking out ‘the issues’ with my mother before my wedding last year. Every time I look at the photos, her misery comes shining through in a frown.”
MINEFIELD #2: THE INVITATION
Hot tip: Words can matter! “Usually the wedding invitation reflects who’s hosting the wedding,” says Leslie Reed, General Manager of Crane & Company Paper Makers, one of the more traditional stationers who consult on, design, and print wedding invitations. “The wording will signal whether or not the hosts are the biological parents.” Families have been torn apart over the simple placement of the word “and.” That’s where professionals step in. Those who work on wedding invitations are expert navigators of such stormy conflicts. According to Reed, today’s wedding couple “should consider wording their invitation in a way that they think will make their families and guests feel most comfortable. That’s really the point of etiquette—taking care of people.” One increasingly common new wording that helps keep the peace in fractured families is for the bride and groom to place their own names at the top of the invitation, followed by the diplomatic and simple phrase, “together with their families…” Also, Ms. Reed points out, it is common for the step-parents to be verbally acknowledged as hosts during the wedding reception, even if their names are left off the invitation to the ceremony.
MINEFIELD #3 THE RITUALS
Hot tip: Expect extra stress. Children, as well as parents, must recognize that weddings are emotional pressure-cookers. The occasion can bring out the very worst in even the best of us. Suddenly, a tremendous weight is placed on a certain moment, a ritual—like a father giving his daughter away. Parents can revert to infantile behavior forcing the children to take on the parental role. “The engaged couple should remind their parents that they love them both equally, and that it is important for them to have them both there – in body and spirit—on this most important day,” says Mel Krantzler. One bride’s experience: Julie Livingston, 24, of Queens, New York, says, “My wedding went off without a hitch – but the days leading up to it were brutal. Plenty of nights I cried myself to sleep. My plans went from having both parents walk me down the aisle to one parent, to NO parent. They argued over their so-called ‘rights,’ the traditions, and more. Finally, I asked my two best friends to take the honor. I wanted both of my parents there, but on my terms and in the right spirit.”
MINEFIELD #4: THE SEATING
Hot tip: Make careful seating arrangements The night before Peter Dokuchitz was getting married, his mother (a therapist) screamed at the bride-to-be at the top of her lungs, demanding that she—not Peter’s step-mother—have the first dance with her son. At Peter’s first wedding, his step-mother wound up getting the first dance, and this slight had catapulted her into a powder keg waiting to explode. Peter’s brother Paul came to the rescue and says with a sigh, “I made sure Mom got her dance. Then I sat between my mother and my step-mother at dinner. This way they didn’t have to have any eye contact, and it worked out.” Mel Krantzler has witnessed countless family disasters. “One parent refused to even come to the wedding because the hated ex-spouse was attending,” he says, adding, “Another got drunk and violent.” He also heard about parents who vented their emotions by attacking the photographer for taking one picture too many of the bride’s step-mother. Caterers, he warns, are not immune either. One bride’s experience: Lisa Breen, 27, of Katonah, New York: “I told my mother that it would really, really hurt me if she did not come to my wedding. When I promised to sit her at a different table than my father and stepmother, she warmed up. It all worked out in the end. My brothers were assigned to usher and deal with the two moms. At the reception, their backs faced one another and no one knew the difference.”
MINEFIELD #5: REMEMBER WHAT IS THE MAIN EVENT
Hot tip: This is a wedding, not a battleground “No matter how bad their marriage may have been,” says Karen Shatz, “parents still must pass along the faith that although marriage is very difficult, there is still the hope that these two people will be happy. It’s like a wisdom from the heart.” ”My parents got very emotional in the church,” recalls 31-year-old Melissa Caufield. “As my mother explained later, ‘Well honey, it reminds me of our wedding.’” In other words, despite the outcome, she clearly understood and felt the emotional experience. One bride’s experience: Twenty-four-year-old Virginia Flores had to deal with a dad with a major attitude. The moment the school teacher told him about her engagement, he snapped back, “Elope.” She says, “After several conversations with him, I learned how hurt he still feels over his own divorce. I massaged his hurt feelings by inviting him to help me pick out a dress. After spending time with me, he caught on to my excitement and came to realize how happy I was.” A wedding is a kaleidoscope of emotions, and nobody should expect it to go off without at least a few jagged emotional moments. In the Jewish faith, a glass is stepped on and crushed, to symbolize how hard marriage is. At the moment the glass is crushed, the family and friends cheer and clap, and only then is the ritual complete and the couple fully married.