Two tastes, one home
Kelly James-Enger
What makes a house a home? The touch of a woman and the brawn of a man, some say.
“Traditionally, women have been responsible for decorating a big part of the home,” says Sharyn Wolf, author of So, You Want to Get Married? (Plume,1999). However, more and more, “men are taking interest in the environment they live in.” That means you need to consider his preferences as well as your own. “It’s very important for women to make a big comfortable space for the guy and not to put decorative style above his comfort,” says Wolf. “He may have an ugly old chair that he watched the game in for 10 years that you absolutely can’t stand, but it’s really important to let him feel that he’s represented in the house.
One way to solve the problem is to give him a corner or space in the common living section where he can have some of the things that really matter to him.”
Different Strokes You may also have to reach an agreement on the style in which you furnish your new home. Take Kristy and Shawn Adamson, who were married in November, 1998. "Shawn’s style is modern, sleek, and neat while mine's country, homey, and cluttered," says 31-year-old Kristy. When the two married, they had to decide whose furniture would stay and whose would go. “We wound up keeping his couch even though mine was nicer because he really wanted it,” says Kristy. “He also insisted on keeping his entertainment center and his halogen lamps, but I was OK with his furniture because he has really good taste.” As for his part, Shawn agreed to get rid of his boxes of college papers, textbooks and notes-he’s a bit of a packrat and the couple was short on closet space.
Your Place or Mine? Moving into one person’s current home does has its downside. Lisa and Rob Ellis were both 29 when they began living together to save money for their wedding. Because Rob already owned a three-bedroom townhouse, the couple agreed that it made sense for them to stay there instead of looking for a new place. It was a decision Lisa later regretted. “Rob already had his house the way he wanted it,” says Lisa, who has been married for three years. “He had all new oak furniture, matching sofas, and wild animal paintings everywhere. And he didn’t want to get rid of any of his stuff!” As a result, most of Lisa’s furniture wound up crammed in the couple’s spare bedroom until they bought a new house two years later. “I really didn’t feel like it was my home,” says Lisa today. “If we did it over again, I would have insisted we get a new place together from the start.”
Rate Your Stuff Wolf has a number of suggestions for couples combining their households. First, each of you should make a list of everything you own and decide what you really want to keep. Whether it’s a particular chair, a desk you refinished from scratch, or a framed poster you’ve had since your freshman year of college, mentally review your belongings and decide which items you absolutely cannot do without.
Talk it Over Sit down with your fiancé and your lists and discuss them. Can you combine everything in your new home? Are you moving to a larger apartment where you'll need all your furnishings? Or must you donate or get rid of some items? Keep your fiance’s feelings in mind as you decide what to do with his prized collection of lighted beer signs. “You have to stop thinking about what’s good for you and what's good for company and entertaining and start thinking about what’s good for the relationship,” says Wolf. “And what’s good for the relationship is for both of you to feel adequately represented in the home.”
Or you may do what Debi Pomerantz, 32, and her husband Michael Mendelson, 35, did after their February, 2000 wedding-get rid of most of your possessions and start from scratch! “In all honesty, we had bothbeen pretty much living like we were still in college-crappy furniture, et cetera,” says Debi. “We gave everything away and started over.” When Michael insisted on keeping his “seriously ugly” couch, Debi covered it with a new slipcover and coordinating pillows so that it goes perfectly with their newly purchased sofa.
Appreciate your Differences Remember that the two of you don’t have to agree on every decorating decision to live together in harmony. Amanda Robison was 25 when she married 28-year-old Bill. While their tastes generally coincide, each has strong opinions about what they surround themselves with at home, says Amanda. “He’s a bit of a purist, so my more eclectic taste sometimes requires a lot of rationalizing,” she says. “I think we each win about 50% of the time!”
Work Together Despite their differing tastes, Kristy and Shawn have purchased a new dining room set, couch and entertainment center in the past year with a minimum of disagreements. The key, she says, is communicating and working as a team. “Everything is a joint decision,” explains Kristy. “We decide together what the next thing we need is and then we shop for it together.” In the months to come, you’ll continue to furnish and decorate your first marital home. Do it as a couple and it will reflect not only your individual tastes but your unique relationship as well.