Moving In
Francesca Di Meglio
Just 50 years ago, unwed couples who “shacked up together” were thought of as “living in sin.” Today, however, those sentiments seem completely antiquated. Many couples are getting a jumpstart on married life by cohabitating during their engagement. In fact, according to national research, over half of all couples getting married are living together before tying the knot.
Many relationship experts agree that those who move in together after getting engaged probably have a better chance for a successful, happy marriage than those who cohabitate without already agreeing to marry. No matter when you decide to move in together, make it the right choice for you. Here, Long Island Bride & Groom lists the pros and cons of both sides.
Those who become roomies during the engagement are usually doing so for economics and convenience. It’s cheaper for a couple who is planning a future together to pay one rent or mortgage than two. Living together also allows couples to get the burdensome moving process out of the way before the wedding. Many couples, especially those who were living with other singles, also find that living together eliminates temptations and threats to their relationship.
Of course, the most obvious advantage to sharing an apartment or house during the engagement is the easy accessibility of planning the wedding together. “I think living together helped my fiancé be more involved because it allowed us to go over all the details at night, and I could fill him in on all the minor things that would pop up during the last few weeks of planning,” says newlywed Jennifer Bailey.
According to experts like Molly Barrow, a clinical psychologist and author of Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love, living together during an engagement can be a test on a couple’s relationship. It adds an extra level in the courtship – an extra step in getting to really know each other intimately before the serious business of married life begins. She adds that although it’s not necessary to live together before marriage, it provides a good opportunity to be 100 percent sure you’re choosing Mr. or Ms. Right. “The most important decision that you will ever make is the selection of a life partner and the parent of your children,” says Barrow.
Experts say that some of the things people should be looking for in mates include strength of character, honesty, responsibility, and maturity. Barrow suggests also finding out what your future husband or wife is looking for in a spouse. Does your fiancé think a wife should do all the cooking and tend to the children? Would he or she rather have a two-income household? Where will you live? Who will take out the garbage? It’s a good idea to know the answer to these questions beforehand (and that goes whether you move in together before the wedding or not).
However, using cohabitation as a trial run before marriage can be a big mistake, says Howard Markman, co-author of 12 Hours to a Great Marriage and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. “Men and women react to love differently. A woman falls in love and already acts committed to the relationship. A man falls in love and waits for marriage to be committed.” Markman believes that having expectations about living together only serves as an additional pressure on the couple’s shoulders during the already stressful wedding planning time.
He adds that keeping a little mystery might be a better strategy for couples. They can use the time, says Markman, to do things on their own and prepare for being a good life partner. He warns engaged couples – whether living together or not – to avoid falling into the wedding planning trap by letting the lavishness of the affair trump the meaning of the ceremony and their decision to share their lives. His philosophy is that you have plenty of time for divvying up chores and working out your roles in the marriage after you tie the knot.
For experts like Markman, living together provides no evidence of what marriage is going to be like. “There’s something magical about marriage for people. It carries with it tradition, hopes and dreams,” says Markman. “It’s something we all
strive for.”
There’s no need to rock the boat if your family’s values or religious beliefs don’t allow for living together. Regardless of which decision you make, you still can increase your odds for happiness and success. Most experts say that whether unwed couples choose to live together or not, they should have pre-marital counseling or attend a relationship workshop to prepare for marriage. Studies consistently show that premarital counseling can help reduce the divorce rate. Second, couples should be convinced of their feelings for one another before making any major decisions about the future of the relationship. Time is your friend, say many relationship experts, meaning you need to know each other well and let the passion mellow, so you are not in a fog. “You can’t bank on passion,” says Barrow. “But, you can take love to the bank.” And down the aisle!