Join Together Seemlessly
Rachel Seligman
A wedding is a time of joining together – of two people, two families, and often two faiths or cultures. If your upcoming nuptials fall into the latter category, you may be nervous about how you’ll pull your interfaith wedding together, but there’s no need to worry: Rather than an ordeal, planning an interfaith wedding can be exciting and enriching, says Susanna Stefanachi Macomb, author of Joining Hands and Hearts: Interfaith, Intercultural Wedding Celebrations.
Macomb should know – as an ordained interfaith minister, she’s officiated over combinations of almost every faith imaginable, from Jain with Jehovah’s Witness to Muslim with Zoroastrian. Here are five tips for planning an interfaith ceremony and reception that’s joyful, headache-free, and memorable to both you and your guests.
1. Think location, location, location
As soon as the ring is set securely on your finger, you and your groom should ask yourselves whether or not you want your wedding in a place of worship. If the answer is yes, you should start contacting your choices immediately, because some religious houses won’t accept an interfaith wedding.
If you do run into a roadblock at a church, synagogue, or other house of worship, don’t panic. “There are so many other options, just have an open mind,” says Macomb. Outside locations are beautiful backdrops, such as beaches, parks, the backyard of a manor. Then there are nondenominational chapels, university chapels, and banquet halls. Remember, this is your wedding – your big day – so ask yourself what your ideal location would be. “Many public monuments and outdoor venues don’t publicly advertise their use for weddings, but you may still be able to use them,” says Macomb. For example, you can wed at a scenic lighthouse or a vineyard on Long Island.
Once you have something in mind, ask friends for recommendations, search online, or go to our website longislandbrideandgroom.com for
ceremony sites. “Religious leaders, other wedding officiants, and even wedding photographers may also be good resources,” says Macomb.
2. Find an officiant who fits your needs
After the bride and groom, the officiant is the most important person at the wedding. Without him or her, the ceremony wouldn’t have a roadmap, so make sure you find one that fits your needs early on in your wedding planning.
First, as bride and groom, ask whether you’d like your officiant to be a clergy from one of your religions involved. If that’s the goal, start calling local religious houses, because some religious sects or individuals may refuse to preside over an interfaith wedding. If you have trouble, ask friends or family members who’ve had interfaith ceremonies if they can recommend an officiant.
Another option for a multi-faith wedding is an interfaith minister. They study all different religions’ traditions and philosophies, so they can customize your wedding – whether that means integrating parts of each religion or doing a humanist ceremony, with no mention of god. “An interfaith minister works with you so you get exactly the wedding you want,” says Macomb.
You might also choose a civil ceremony done by a judge. Just make sure you talk to him or her to get an idea of their personality first. “Some judges are warm-hearted, while others will perform a somber ceremony,” says Macomb. Your ceremony needn’t be at the courthouse, either – some judges will come to you.
3. Decide on the ingredients for your ceremony.
After your officiant and location are set, think about the elements you want in your ceremony. If you’d like to include parts of either or both of your religions, your officiant can help you plan them. Or, there are resources to help you get ideas on what types of vows or ceremonial aspects to include.
Lauren Doyle and her husband Chris, who wed last October, integrated elements from both her Jewish and his Catholic religions. “We stood under a Jewish huppah (canopy),” says Lauren. “Then we did the seven marriage blessings for Judaism, along with a prayer read from Corinthians for Chris’ Catholic side. We also had a Catholic unity candle and Chris stepped on a glass, which is a Jewish wedding tradition.” They loved the result: “We wanted our ceremony to focus on love rather than religion, so the elements we had were more about tradition and aesthetics,” says Lauren.
4. Add flair to your reception.
Now that you’ve planned your ideal ceremony, you can use your reception to add more elements from both of your respective cultures or religions. Doing so, whether through food, music, or poetry, will give you and your guests a unique and memorable experience.
“I officiated at an Irish-Catholic and Moroccan Muslim wedding that included bagpipes, a traditional Irish wedding blessing, and sentiments from a Middle Eastern poet,” says Macomb. Dances steeped in particular cultures always get the party started, too. Lauren included the hora, a traditional Jewish dance, at her reception. “My husband’s Catholic family had a great time doing it – they loved it!” she says.
Besides, or instead of, incorporating cultural wedding traditions in there ceremony and reception, some couples may choose to have a second wedding that represents their spouse’s religion or background, or have an American-style wedding that reflects both of their contemporary lifestyles.
5. Explain and enrich.
One ingredient that people often overlook for their wedding, whether interfaith or not, is an explanation of what’s going on for their guests. Without it, all those great traditions and sentiments could be lost on confused people. At the ceremony, your officiant can provide brief explanations; while for the reception, you might appoint one family member or the maitre d’ to take on that role. “It doesn’t have to be lengthy,” says Macomb. “For example, he or she may simply say: ‘The bride and groom are now performing an ancient Chinese tradition, the tea ceremony, which is typically performed in silence.’ “ If there are guests who speak another language, put in extra effort to make sure they understand what’s going on. That may mean providing translations in the wedding program, or having someone who can translate for those who don’t speak the language and quietly explain everything that is happening. It’s a small detail, but it could make all the difference for guests who need it.
When you’re planning your interfaith wedding, sensitivity is key. Be considerate of cultural traditions, religious elements, or simply your family, who may be a little overwhelmed by the joining of two faiths or cultures.
For Lauren and Chris, incorporating family and friends was one of the best parts of their wedding. “We had both sets of parents stand up with us, and our mothers lit the unity candle. Then we each had one of our closest friends read either a Jewish or Catholic element of the ceremony,” says Lauren. “Including others in our wedding ceremony was my favorite part – it made everyone feel special.”
Don’t be put off by any challenges you may encounter while planning your big day. Your effort will be well worth it, as an interfaith wedding is a beautiful way to celebrate two cultures, religions, and families.