Count Them In
Celia Shatzman
While involving your and your fiancé’s parents in the wedding planning may seem like a daunting fear, it’s actually a great way to begin to merge both families and establish a good relationship for the future.
“Parents want to be included,” says Laurie Puhn, a relationship expert and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. “It makes them feel important during major milestones in their children’s lives, and they want to know they’re still valued. Starting your marriage off with your parents’ involvement makes them feel loved and appreciated.”
Involve your parents by bringing them to a bridal show, tasting, or on other wedding related errands, suggests Dr. Robyn, a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of The Dr. Robyn Show. “However, don’t involve them too much,” says Dr. Robyn. “When too many people contribute their opinions it’s hard to make a decision.” Including your mother-in-law, for example, in some of the choices you make with the wedding is a very good way to start out your relationship with your new extended family, but if she gets too involved things can become confrontational and you’ll have to set some boundaries.
Experts agree that it’s important for a new couple to establish rules for their parents that will apply during their engagement and throughout their marriage. “Expect to have some difficulties and confrontations,” says Puhn. “But establishing ground rules is a preventive effort that will totally change the way you experience your engagement.”
Those ground rules will also help an engaged couple build a strong relationship with each other because it prevents them from being pulled apart during difficult times. Puhn recommends that the bride and groom reach a joint decision before talking to their parents. It’s important for the couple to act as a unit and support each other’s decisions. “Each person should be responsible for talking to their own parents because it’s easier for a parent to get over difficulties when talking to their own child,” says Puhn. Whenever there is something remotely problematic or uncomfortable, the groom should speak to his parents and the bride to hers.
Jen Anderson*, a bride-to-be based in New York City, and her fiancé make decisions together and then talk to their own parents individually. “I try not to discuss things with his mother first,” says Anderson. “It’s his mom, so he has a better sense of how to speak to her especially if it’s something that’s going to be disappointing.” Anderson and her fiancé first figure out the dilemma together, but her fiancé talks to his mother. “I don’t want to raise a conflict with her,” says Anderson. “We’re successful at being collaborative – we listen to her input and consider it, but at the end of the day we’re making the decision between the two of us on how we’d like to make our wedding day happen.”
It’s especially hard for young people to switch gears from being part of a family to starting a new family of their own. “You have to establish that now your family is you and your spouse,” says Dr. Robyn. “Once you start feeling that, your parents will respect those boundaries.”
It’s a good idea to set a time for the in-laws to meet. Try arranging something in a casual setting, such as a barbeque or pool party at a family member’s home, before all the wedding planning begins. “It’s nice to have meals together with both of the families invited,” says Dr. Robyn. “It’s a great way for everyone to get to know each other before the wedding.”
Anderson is planning a weekend for her and her fiancé’s parents to meet, and their itinerary includes sightseeing activities and playing golf. “We thought playing golf would be a perfect icebreaker because it’s a fun activity his parents really enjoy,” says Anderson.
It’s important for the in-laws to establish a relationship and a friendship beyond the wedding planning in order to create a strong foundation that will last throughout their children’s marriage. Both families should come together without making it all about the wedding. “Find a common ground that will make everyone comfortable and relaxed,” says Puhn. “It’s a good way to keep a friendship alive. They can deal with issues if they have a good relationship.” Puhn also recommends spending the holidays as one big family to bring everyone closer.
When faced with a conflict, it might be a good idea to ask a third party about the situation, because sometimes you get emotionally caught up. “It’s helpful to have someone removed from the wedding process to remind you that you’re getting married, not what color the flowers should be,” says Anderson.
While you can’t always avoid problems or conflicts with your new in-laws, you can use this first opportunity as an engaged couple to learn to communicate better with each other and with each other’s families. Developing good communication habits during the engagement will help keep you married and happy ever after.
*Name has been changed.