Be Our Guest
Sue Durio
Your wedding day is one of the most special moments in your life – and one you’ll want to share with all the special people you know. But, as many couples have learned, creating the guest list can be a complicated aspect of their wedding planning. And even with the best planning, the unexpected is sure to arise. You can minimize surprises, unexpected expenses, and hurt feelings with some simple planning techniques.
Consider Your Budget
The best way to manage your budget is to manage your guest list. Food and drinks are typically the most expensive costs of a wedding. Prices vary depending on food selection, time of day, day of week, and location. Additionally, since catering is charged on a per-person basis, it’s easy to see how inviting 20 or 30 more guests can impact your budget, particularly since most invitations are addressed to couples. Decide what you can afford, and how many people you can afford to invite.
What’s Your Dream Wedding?
Have you always dreamed of a small intimate gathering, or a big bash with all your friends and family? What does your fiancé want? You may decide it is more important to have a more expensive meal for 30 people rather than a large event on a tight budget. Once you’ve determined the type of wedding you both envision, you’ll have a better idea of the appropriate guest list size. Start with your wish list of guests, but be ready to cut.
What’s the Venue?
If your idea of the perfect wedding is a romantic ceremony in a small country chapel, then inviting several hundred people probably is not realistic. You’ll need to decide what is more important - the location or the number of guests. Keeping the wedding small not only cuts costs, but also gives you the freedom to consider more non-traditional settings like a small inn, yacht, or elegant restaurant. If your guest list just simply can’t be cut, look for a larger venue rather than trying to pack too many people nto an uncomfortable space. The venue’s event coordinator can provide estimates for wedding and reception seating capacity.
Who’s Paying?
Traditionally, the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and determine the number of guests to be invited. However, many couples today pay part - or all - of their wedding tab and are more likely to determine the guest list.
If your parents are paying, talk to them first about the number of guests they want and how those invitations will be divided between you, your parents, and your fiancé’s parents. You may find that your parents have a larger guest list in mind than your dream ‘small chapel’ wedding will accommodate. If they are paying the bill, try to keep their wishes in mind and negotiate a comfortable compromise you both can live with.
If you and your fiancé are footing the entire tab, it will be easier for you to determine the guest list size, but be sensitive to parents’ wishes.
How To Estimate RSVP’s?
The formula commonly used for estimating how many people will attend is to double the number of invitations you send and subtract 33%. For example, if you send out 120 invitations, expect 161 guests.
In other words, typically about two thirds of your invitees will actually attend. However, these are just guidelines. Don’t invite people thinking they ‘will never show’. Be prepared for surprises.
For one thing, it’s not uncommon for guests to mistakenly RSVP for more guests than you invited. Most wedding guest lists end up, believe it or not, with a few additional names added by guests themselves.
How To Create the List?
Once you have determined how many guests to invite, divide the number in thirds:
1/3 - Guests of the bride’s parents
1/3 - Guests of the groom’s parents
1/3 - Guests of the bride and groom.
Next, prioritize each list into three separate categories.
A List: Must Haves - These are the people you have to invite. That includes family and close friends. Also on this list should be the officiant and their spouse or guest, and all those you consider so important that you can’t imagine getting married without them there. Remember that until you have your reception and ceremony venues finalized, you won’t know how big your guest list can be. However, it’s a good idea at this stage of the game to start counting family and your closest friends, and get a sense of how many essential invites you have. Also send invitations to your parents and the wedding party as a keepsake. Wedding etiquette experts also say children over the age of 16 should receive their own invitation.
B List: Should Haves - These are the people you should invite, such as distant family members and good friends/ acquaintances. The B List guests are the ones with which most couples struggle the most. Do you really need to invite your mom’s great aunt whom you’ve never met? A good rule of thumb: invite only people you personally know and like.
As for friends-in-law you wish you’d never met, start with this crucial ground rule: You and your fiancé are separate people with different tastes. You don’t have to like each other’s friends, but hey, letting them share some champagne with you on your big day is not going to hurt anyone.
C List: Like To Haves - These are ones you’d like to include if there is room.Remember, a wedding is not an excuse to round up every lost intimate friend — focus on people who matter now.
How To Handle “No Children”?
For some couples, one of those not-invited groups are children. You have a few options for letting your guests know not to bring their children. One is simply to leave their names off the invitation. Secondly, you can rely on family to pass the word that children aren’t invited. Or, you can take the direct approach, so there is no misunderstanding. On the invitation reply card, include wording such as:
• Adult Reception
• We hope that the 2 of you will be able to join us.
Remember, however, that ‘no children’ means no children. Don’t bend the rules for anyone or you’ll have a lot of hurt guests.
Who Pays For Extra Guests over the Allotted Number?
Once you have established the number of guests that each group (parents and couple) may invite, any additional guests should be at the expense of the individual initiating the invitation. If the groom’s parents add 50 extra names to their list, for instance, you should remind them of your budget and ask that they either trim their list or cover the additional costs.
Do Shower Guests have to be invited to the Wedding?
The answer is yes. Inviting people to a wedding shower, but not to the wedding, implies that you are only interested in a gift.
How To Trim the List?
So you’ve prioritized the list, and made initial cuts - yet it is still too large. You may be able to trim the list with these steps:
• Make the reception “adult only”. Caterers charge
per person, even little persons.
• Don’t invite coworkers. Eliminating all office invites
is a simple way to pull in the reins on your guest
count.
• Limit the number of friends your parents invite. If
they are inviting friends of their own, set a limit for
both sets of parents and stick to it.
• Eliminate the “and guest” if a friend or relative is
not in a serious relationship. As long as there are
familiar faces at the reception, your solo friend will
be fine.
• Invite only close family. That third cousin or friend
you haven’t seen in years won’t care that they are
not invited.
How To Stay Organized?
Managing your guest list can be as simple as creating a spreadsheet that tracks names, addresses, RSVPs, gifts and thank-you notes. For a low-tech option, set up a card file system. Simply create a card file with each guest’s name and address. Highlight the name (for instance, pink for guests of the bride’s parents, blue for guests of the groom’s parents, and green for guests of the wedding couple) to help in seating arrangements. Leave room at the top of each card to note RSVPs, and provide space elsewhere to track gifts received and thank-you notes mailed. Several online tools are also available at www.LongIslandbrideandgroom.com that help manage your guest list.